It's amazing, honestly. Ever have those moments, where you have so much you need and want to say, but can barely get the words out to describe it? Maybe that's what blogs are for. Lately, I find that one presence has hung over me so greatly it's nearly inescapable... why must you haunt me so? I leave for Ashland on Tuesday; I have a very ominous feeling that something terrible is going to happen. The other night, I had a dream that I got an abortion and was HAPPY about it. My friend is mad at me because a friend I've known for six years is her ex boyfriend and after she broke up with him he asked me to spar with me. This same friend also ditched me for Disneyland on my birthday. I find that more and more I AM becoming jaded and shitty. My relationship with my parents is completely on the rocks (for many reasons, the chief one being that I apparently spend too much money) and I just don't know what to do. I feel like I NEVER talk to my mom anymore, and in a way that saddens me; we used to be so close. Here's a confession: I thought about cutting tonight. It was there, in the back of my mind. Why do I want to feel pain? Why do I need to keep myself so low to get back up? I don't want to be the person I was when I was 13, but I want to be able to have the same morale and courage that I did. Hawaii plane tickets are $1200 a piece... and Jawbreaker's best song off 'Dear You' is Into You Like a Train (in my opinion). And this is a huge block of writing, so I'm going to shut up now.
Michi
P.S. Please, kick me in the head so I can just black out and forget.
About Me
- Michi
- Oh jeez, that last written description was so full of angst, I shudder to think about it. I'm fun-loving, nice, and a great person to know. I know that I can be mean, and to those I've unintentionally hurt or hurt out of stupidity, I'm sorry.
1 comment:
Dear, this is coming from the kid whose been to hell and back. The urge to cut is brought on over the fact you feel numb and want to feel something. Unfortunately, tahts the wrong way to go. Cutting is like drugs and alchol, it ruins you. Do not take that route. Remember, I'm here and you feel emotions when around me and thats all the matters.
I also, like you, don't have close ties with my mother. She wants to change who I am. Your mother is the one spending to much money on those disgusting trinkets and alcohol. Her own biased thoughts cloud her 'open minded' views. It's not your fault.
Now I shall shut up.
JXH
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